Tattoos On My Heart

I have never felt empty. Correction, my soul has never felt empty, but my mind has. I have always felt, especially during the darkest times of my life, that there is more. Something is fighting,  banging against a hard relentless brick wall, wanting to burst out and show me something.

There is something missing, I feel it every day. It may be a person I’ve yet to encounter, or an experience I’ve yet to face. Whatever it is, at least I’m aware of its presence. I know there is more out there for me. I’m not saying my life is miserable and unsatisfactory now. It’s nice, safe and planned. But my heart is pulling towards something else.

Recently a new seminarian came to my church. He is staying for the summer to work with the youth group in action towards his studies to become a deacon. He is also from Lebanon. Soon after he met me he told me something. Something many close to me have told me to avoid.

He sensed my potential, that I will accomplish great things in my life. He asked me if I’d ever leave to pursue a fate a bit far from home. This question has been asked of me many times in my life. Until then I have always answered, no. I wouldn’t leave my mother, my best friend, my hero, my inspiration and consolidation, alone. She doesn’t want me to leave her. She fears that I won’t return, that we’d grow apart, that I’d forget her.

I will never forget all that my mother has done for me. She has suffered so much, lost many family members, and she just wants the reassurance that I will always be there for her. And of course I will. That’s why I say that I don’t plan to leave home. To instead start my own family close the family I already have. I will stay for my mother. But the seminarian thought otherwise.

I hadn’t told him any of this. Heck, he had just met me and only knew my name and that my family was also from Lebanon. He said not to worry about my family. That if life takes me somewhere else, it doesn’t mean that I’ll never return. That I need to live my own life even if that may entail leaving the nest, in order to find myself, who I really am.

I basically stood there, my jaw dropped open. How did he know exactly what to say? At first, I was a bit offended. Who is he to judge what is best for me, when we’ve only just met!?  How could he say that about my family? How did he know that I’ve had to face decisions of leaving home? After internally calming down, I took his words to heart. If my life takes me somewhere away from home, I’ll give that opportunity a chance.

I think everyone needs to jump outside the safe zone to learn something crucial about themselves and their fate. We won’t know unless we try. We shouldn’t be afraid of the future, we should enjoy it and be grateful for the ground we firmly stand on.

I think the seminarian’s advice was an indirect way of God telling me that it’s OK. To trust Him and whatever He has planned for me. To follow my heart but take my gut feelings into consideration.

What do you think? Have you ever been faced with the decision to leave home?

-Thxoxoxo, H

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10 thoughts on “Tattoos On My Heart

  1. dragonflygypsyusa says:

    If your heart is drawn to go, then I think you owe it to yourself, your soul, to follow is lead. Where you may be led to may be exactly what you were meant to do, opening up so much for you, for those lives you touch, and may bring your mom a peace that seems to elude her due to her losses. Heal yourself through the healing of others. Just my opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

      • dragonflygypsyusa says:

        I can hear the wounds that aren’t quite healed in your words. Loss of those closest is such a deep wound, a soul wound, that I think the only way to truly heal is to allow your soul to dance with what feeds it. I think your mom will start to find her healing through your soul’s dance. Many blessings, love

        Like

  2. any1mark66 says:

    Life is about learning and growing. You can grow anywhere. When you leave the nest, whether down the street or across the world doesn’t mean you can’t go back, or you’re cut off. You may not see each other hours a day but talking is still possible. Seeing each other can still happen. You’re heart is you’re own. Make yourself happy and then you can help others. If you’re not happy where you are, eventually it will be used against the people you love. 🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Michelle | michwanderlust says:

    I’m sure your mom would want you to be happy even if that means you moving far away – the selfless love of parents continually astonishes me. I’m engaged to a guy who can’t get a work visa in my country (long story) so we will have to move somewhere else after we get married. I really hate to leave my parents and I worry about what to do when they get old(er) but they’be been very supportive and sadly there is no option where i get everything i want.

    Liked by 1 person

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