Unlike the reality we face, there is no regression when it comes to writing. It’s perfectly acceptable to edit and update as much as you need to. I can write on my own time. There’s no one controlling me and telling me how to write. There is no need to pretend to be someone else. I don’t need to please anyone. The people who like my writing will be the ones who truly understand, who care. When I attempt to explain myself while speaking, my thoughts don’t get justice. I can be better understood through writing. A quote that really speaks to me is,
“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” – Flannery O’Connor
This is true, I don’t think I’d believe how smart I am if I didn’t reflect on my own thoughts instead of pushing past them. Writing gives me what reality hasn’t. I’ve been molded my whole life to be someone I am not. But I can’t break the mold, no matter how hard I try, its grasp is too tight. At times, I’m too tired to fight its hold. It seems safer to follow the path it provides, but following it comes at the cost of my own happiness.
A large part of me thinks that it’s too late to create my own path. Only one more year of undergrad, then I’ll graduate with a degree, in a study I don’t enjoy. Another small part is still grasping onto the hope that things will change in my favor. That I will get to make my own decisions for the good of myself, not my parents or family standards. But right now it’s hard to see any chance of that happening. I don’t want hope to dwindle, but I fear that it is every day. Writing my thoughts is a way that I ground myself to Earth. It reminds me that my fantasies will happen if they are meant to.
I don’t know how to approach life while waiting to find my calling. I search for signs, I have faith and the support of amazing, genuine friends. I dream of the day I wake up and stop thinking of what life could have been.
I try not to regret anything in life, but it’s hard not to. I once heard a piece of advice; everything must even out. If there is a lot of negativity now, and you’ve had bad luck in the past, there must be an equivalent amount of good that will happen later in life. There will always be balance. It’s unpredictable and may appear in different forms, but it’s meant to happen. Everyone has many chances at happiness, what ever that may mean to you.
Never feel life you are unworthy of the opportunity of living a fulfilled life. You ARE worthy! Having a positive outlook on life, leads to a brighter life. Don’t fall subject to envy, jealousy, and pessimism. Rise above it! The reigns of your life are waiting to be reached for, grab them tight, take control and live without looking back.